Sunday, July 20, 2003

Kicking to the Surface

It's been a tough week this week, much of it self-imposed. I've been busy at work (good busy), and busy (bad busy) disliking the 5+ pounds that have crept back onto my body in the last 2 months. The combination of the two had only contributed to the stress I've had surrounding the triathalon (held today) that I registered for about a month ago. A month ago, I was still optimistic that I would turn the tide of bad habits and start eating better and swimming and running more. That didn't happen. It's such a vicious circle: I feel bad physically and emotionally, and so I don't feel up to being healthy, so don't exercise and eat poorly, which makes me feel worse, and so on and so on. It's a hard cycle to break.

I've been browsing local blogs recently via Seablogs, and found one that someone had started after losing 20 pounds. Her blog states that if she could do it, anyone can, and this site is to help those who want to become healthier. I found myself really disliking this woman. I've wanted to lose 20 pounds for over 15 years now, and I don't want to think about what a failure I must be for not having done it. After all, it's so easy to this person, I must be a real loser to have not been able to do this. It's not her fault, though. She might really help someone with this site (I might be that someone), but she is probably helping herself most of all. It's probably a great reminder to her of her success, and will help to keep her on track when she's having a tough week. And it's not really as easy as it seems while reading it, I'm sure. I also realized that when I talk about going on a long run or bike ride, I might inspire that same resentment. But I find that by writing about a good, tough run or ride reminds me how much I like it and much it's worth getting out of bed in the morning. I'm very good at sitting around disliking the unfit side of myself; I'd rather remind myself of what I like about the fit side of myself (there are always both sides, sometimes one is much easier to see than the other).

So, I ran a triathalon today. I ran a great triathalon today. Despite not having swum much recently (and for the first time in my limited tri experience, the swim was my weakest part of the race), I felt great and did well. It's been 6 years since I have run in a triathalon, and it's good to know how much stronger and faster I am now than I was then. I knew that I would bike faster; I've never biked as much as I've been riding this summer. But I also ran a faster 5K after 1/2 mile swim and 12 mile bike ride than I could have run fresh 5 years ago. This may cause some resentment, and yes, I may be boastful and obnoxious, but I feel good, and I want to remember how this feels. Because running a triathalon or a marathon isn't about one big day, it's about all those days when you didn't really feel like running, but got a few miles in, or wanted to sleep in, and instead got up and into the pool. It's about those little decisions, which make habits, which make a difference. Or so I try to keep telling myself.


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